Things I Believed as a Kid.

Isn't it amazing, when you think back about what your young, naive mind came up with when you were a kid. Thinking back I came up with and truly believed some of the most ridiculous things; actually thinking about it, I still do. But when I was younger I could get away with saying all kinds of crap, but now for some reason I get some funny looks when I mention something like, "Dogs have their own language", for some reason  (this, by the way i do believe, but we won't go into that now).
I am now going to share with you some of the things my young brain conjured up and that I honest and truely believed when I was a kid and I am guaranteed to embarrass myself in the process.

When faced with the question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" there was only one answer that popped into my head and I would answer quickly without any thought, only to receive a look of pure confusion/amusement from the adult asking  me this question. My answer was always...a bear. I was so confused why my parents/teachers/relatives would laugh when I answered them. Whats not to like about being a bear?!? But they didn't understand..I had a clear image of what kind of bear I wanted to be...and the funny thing is I can still see the image in my head. Picture a giant teddy bear, now give her a pink bowler hat, and a basket full of sweets. yep that's what I imagined myself to be in the future.

The next thing I believed was something that I fully blame on my sister. I beleived that you can be allergic to objects. The reason being, my sister, the oh so funny person that she is, told me that she was allergic to wet cutlery, as a way of getting herself out of doing the washing up. I believed this for about 3 years, until I realised what she was up to, thought she could fool me eh? nice try Kimbo.

Now, I don't know if any of you remember a certain tv programme called Zero to Hero? Well in this programme, a boy had a  massive poster of Michael Owen on his wall, and the poster would come alive and Michael Owen would give him advice about football and life etc. Well, at this time, I was, lets say, slightly
obsessed with this specific footballer, and I in fact did have a cardboard cutout of him in my room. So, needless to say I was convinced that he would come alive out of my poster to talk to me. This leads me on to another thing that i believed.... That I would marry Michael Owen.

My grandparents were amazing through my childhood and as I kid I couldn't and still don't love anyone more. My nan, is a typical nan, knitting, over boiling veg for roast dinners, grey short curly hair. It was this, her hairstyle, that had me convinced when I was around 3 or 4 that my Nan, was the Queen of England. After seeing her photo on stamps and money, Then looking at my Nan sat in her chair eating roast potatoes and watching Emmerdale, I put 2 and 2 together and made 6. I bet you anything thingthough that is the way the Queen spends her Sundays.

The last thing that I believed as a kid is that being an adult must be the best thing ever. I couldn't wait to be a "grownup" And then it happened. I physically grown up...mentally Im not quite there yet, but netherless Im apparently what they now call a "grown up." No one ever told me about how much it sucks, bills, rent, responsibilities bleugh. If I went back in time, and told my 5 year old self that at the age of almost 22, I would have a degree under my belt but still be working in a coffee shop cleaning up after people, I would be living in crappy accommodation, and I will be struggling to pay rent and bills each month.

My five year old self wouldn't believe that.
She would imagine a bear, sitting with the Queen, eating roast potatoes.

My Struggle with Leguminophobia

Some of you already know this, others this may come as some surprise but I suffer from a phobia. A phobia that has been a challenge in my life thus far. I have been taunted and teased something cronic for it. But know I feel that it is my time to share this horrific story with you all. I suffer from Leguminophobia. Now, for all the doctors among you or all those who have just Googled it, this is the fear of something so terrifing to me yet has brought such ease and joy to most people.
yes, this is the fear of the baked bean.

Mr Heinz...you go some s'plaining to do...

I have no idea how or why I have this but its there, it can't be ignored nor can it be cured, im pretty sure my feelings towards this variation of a vegetable will stay the same until my dying day. Of course when I shared this revelation with some of my friends they thought it was hilarious. They did everything in their power to get me close to a bean even hiding one under other elements of a fry up without me knowing. Nice try guys.

Growing up with a family of bean lovers was tough. Sometimes didn't know if i would make it through a lunchtime, but it was when I went to university i found it the toughest. The breeding ground for the bean. I thought I could keep it a secret. Running at the sound of a can opener for fear of what may be inside. Alas, i could not keep my secret. That one day, when walking in the kitchen to half empty bowls of beans! The thought of that now physically makes me want to throw up. I had to get out of there and quickly. My housemates soon discovered, it was me or beans.

I have now learnt to restrain and control my fear. With my friends and family now knowing not to cook beans around me, strictly
spaghetti hoops. Im even thinking of starting up BBA (baked bean annonomous) for those who too suffer from this illness. No longer must I or any of you that share this fear suffer in silence.

You may have won the war Heinz, but we will win the battle.

10 realistic and not so realistic things FRIENDS taught me

Everyone that knows me would know that I have an unhealthy obsession with FRIENDS (the tv show, not my friends. I love you guys but not as much as make believe characters living in New York in the 90's)
So watching this programme from an early age has given me some expectations in life, some possible, some not so much, but i would still like to believe will happen to me.
Here they are, 10 things that Friends has taught me:

1) No matter what your job is, you can always afford an appartment in Manhattan:
Whether I decide to be a chef, waitress or struggling actor i now know thanks to Friends that i can afford a pretty decent flat in the middle of new york.
Great news for me seeing as im already a struggling waitress, can't cook or act, theres hope for me yet.

2) Within a group of mixed boy and girl friends its inevitable that you will hook up with at least one of them:
Believe me, this is true. No more of an explanation is needed...

3) Theres always a weird friend:
Now in FRIENDS the weird one is Pheobe, always saying strange things, getting herself in strange situations etc etc. I myself, am this "weird friend" in the group, i found this out mainly when watching friends and seeing all of Phoebe's antics and realising they all made sense to me.
Also found this out when answering the question "who's the weirdest out of us?" with "I don't think there is one."
If you don't think theres one, its because its you.
BOOM life lesson.

4) Never marry a doctor:
is it just me or does most of the failed relationships in friends involve a man who is a doctor? Rachel and Barry...he was a doctor of teeth.
Monica and Richard...he was a doctor of eyes.
Maybe its just being a doctor of a specific area of the face, but now, i seem to have a fear of face doctors in relationships. If ever any of my friends was to say that they are going out with a doctor of noses for example, I would automatically think it would end in her being heartbroken or her climbing out a bathroom window on her wedding day.

5) You can leave doors unlocked at all times:
Seeing as they're all such good friends and live right next to each other, this makes it ok not to lock they're front doors. Note to self: As much as I like to think i do, I do not live in a sitcom, I live in a town known for burglaries and the occasional murder. I must lock the door.

6) Never wear the same outfit more than once:
In all of the 10 seasons im pretty sure than the girls never wore the same item of clothing twice. This is a rule i have carried forward into to short adult life. Every time I go out, i feel the need to buy an entirely different outfit, for fear of my social peers realising that I wore the same outfit to your mums, dogs, aunty's
birthday or whatever. So, thanks to friends i am now constantly poor. But I'm not hostile, due to fact that in my twisted mind, i have convinced myself that is it better to be poor than to look cheap.

7) An on/off relationship always works out in the end:
I am yet to find out if this is true or not, seeing as most of my on/off relationships from the past are permanently stuck on the off switch.(and some of them want to keep them that way) In a way I like to believe that this is true. Although, and here's some relationship advice coming right at ya... don't get caught up in this idea. Don't wait for people who simply don't care about you. I'm a strong believer in everything happens for a reason, and sometimes there is a big fat reason why that person is no longer in your life...because he's a dick. Shit just got reeeeeal.

8)  Its ok to write stupid songs:
All my life I have liked to (believe that I could) sing. And being the "I believe therefore I can" person that I am I have even tried my hand a a spot of songwriting. There is a reason why my song "my combine harvester is newer than yours" (a comeback to The Wurzels classic) is not on the radio 1 playlist. Its because I'm terrible at it. However, If Phoebe has taught me anything, it is that you shouldn't to care about what others think, if you enjoy something, do it. Even if your crap at it. So in honor of this, the next thing I'm going to try out is some Latino rapping...move aside Pitbull. Alfregaaa

9) Dancing in a Fountain is Glamorous:
I bet it is, when its in New York, and your getting paid millions to do it. But trying to recreate it when your 13 years old in an inflatable paddling pool at the bottom of your garden, is beyond glamorous.

10) Whats a kind of boat that can never ever sink?... A Friend Ship.

From Boredom comes Blogging

So, here it is, my first ever blog (ish).
I find myself being dragged into doing this by my creative subconscious, I owe this to her, i never let her do anything (or quite possibly i'm too lazy to let her do anything), even if i do i keep it up for about 2 hours, so this, my creative inner self is for you, an outlet to let some true feelings run free. And I can already hear my lazy alter ego, "girl, you won't keep this up, who you kiddin'?" (for some reason my lazy alter ego has a sassy american black woman's voice). But i'll show her.
So people, expect some thrilling (probably not) funny (to me they'll be funny) and ridiculous (yes..ridiculous) blogs from me in the near future.
From me -  byeee
My creative subconscious - cheerio
and My lazy alter Ego - uhuuuh see yall......